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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”