You all made fun of me for hoarding plastic bags. Just filled up every single one of them with gas, so who’s laughing now?
*at a confessional*
Priest: Oh God, not you again…
Me: Ok, but the book of Numbers –
Priest: We’ve been over this, it’s all –
Me: ITS ALL WORDS
WHAT THE HELL
Scrolling Twitter in church this morning so you guys keep it clean for the next hour.
Who called it “storm anxiety” and not “thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening”?
Getting into a hammock sure is an awful lot of work just to relax.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: Well, I mostly worry about the absolute worst case scenario in every situation.
Them: …for a living.
Remember in the before times when we would spray our lung juice all over birthday cake and then everyone would clap while we passed it around to the other virus hosts?
The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”