Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.