@rudy_mustang

every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year

@rudy_mustang

computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

@rudy_mustang

Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

@rudy_mustang

creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet

me: what no

creep: i’ll venmo you $100

me: what color should i paint my toes

@rudy_mustang

me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit

@rudy_mustang

Every horse movie ever: people don’t think this horse can go fast but it do. it go real fast

@rudy_mustang

Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure

Me: yes it’s done

Publisher: it’s about time

Me: i know, i wrote it

@rudy_mustang

God: then you become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yeah lol the “rest”

Caterpillar: how long

God:

Caterpillar: how long God

@rudy_mustang

Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@rudy_mustang

[applying for a job at the FBI]

FBI: and there will be a video interview

Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol

FBI:

Me:

FBI: you could do that, yes