Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids