Never be a pizza!
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[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’ve been drinking.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD