me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.