I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*