As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’d hang this in my house.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
felt that
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.