The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired