Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
You Might Also Like
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters