I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
How it started: How it’s going:
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.