Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.