After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.