Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
(Electricians.)
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*