If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me too, bag. Me too….
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.