I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
You Might Also Like
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
notice
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*