Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
What even happened today?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.