I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
me as a parent
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: