Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
😂😂😂
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.