(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting