“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My plans: 2020:
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.