No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.