Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!