Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air