I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Cat.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.