The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.