therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
He-man has a Masters degree
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!