I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
paddle faster i hear baby shark
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”