My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Autocorrect completely socks
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.