*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl*
“Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla”
MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray
DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?
“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy
If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…
Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?
I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions