A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.