Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.