I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
You Might Also Like
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me: