unbelievably distressed by this ad
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting