If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.