@sad_tree

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

@sad_tree

*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@sad_tree

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@sad_tree

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

@sad_tree

*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Ok)
“Sausage”
(Nice)
“Mushroom”
(Hell yea)
“Chk”
(Plz)
“Meatballs”
(Why)
“Anchovies”
(Ur dead to me)

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@sad_tree

[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*