If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men