If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
You Might Also Like
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
my astrological sign is a french fry
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you