Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Just say no
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking