Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.