Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.