My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime