I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Nose
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.