I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I don’t get marriage
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
*Seductively hides in the woods