groan^2
You Might Also Like
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Every haunted house movie:
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo