DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My dream job is getting paid to dream