What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.