@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

@samfromks

Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

@samfromks

I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.

@samfromks

White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.

@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…

@samfromks

Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.

@samfromks

Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.

@samfromks

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

@samfromks

I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.

@samfromks

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.