I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.
Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?
Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…
I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.
I know that now.
Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?
Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.
My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.
I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.