“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I have a type: disappointing
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer