me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER