Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
This is my favorite one of these!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..