Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sammyrhodes's best tweets

@sammyrhodes : Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@sammyrhodes: I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

@sammyrhodes: Donuts are made from flour.
Flour is made from wheat.
Wheat is a plant.
Plants are vegetables.
Donuts are a vegetable.

@sammyrhodes: Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

@sammyrhodes: Do they make a scale that says things like "Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"

@sammyrhodes: Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
- me teaching our 2yr old shapes

@sammyrhodes: Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn't like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he's not a fan.

@sammyrhodes: Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.

@sammyrhodes: My wife: "Can you pass me the stud finder?"
Me: "You're the stud finder!"
*deep, awkward silence*
Me: "Here it is."