Meme Monday.
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sign at work today
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Liquor Store Parking
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.